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The Order of the Slayer in battle with vampires

Q: Is there any truth to the vampire "slayer" legend?
Marc W., Kelowna, B.C., Canada

A: The slayer legend, that is, the notion of a "chosen one" endowed with special gifts for killing vampires, has a kernel of truth to it. The origin of the legend rests in the Eleventh Century, at a time when Christians from countries like France and England made pilgrimages to Jerusalem to visit the birthplace of their religion. In the year 1050, Jerusalem was hit by a major vampire outbreak. A papal army managed to drive the vampires into the hills surrounding the city, where the packs found good living preying on pilgrims from Europe. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of pilgrims lost their lives to these opportunistic vampires.

In response, Pope Urban II formed the Order of the Slayer in 1093. The pope asked wealthy lords from Christian nations to assemble armies to march on Jerusalem and slay the marauding vampires. After training, the lords were welcomed into the Order in a solemn religious ceremony. The Order filled its armies with volunteers who were given plots of land in return for their service. The subsequent military campaign, known as the First Vampire Crusade, was a modest success. Each new outbreak in and around Jerusalem prompted another Crusade, and the battle for the Holy City went on for almost 300 years.

Since the art of fighting vampires was often passed on from father to son, there grew a notion of certain people being inherently endowed with vampire-fighting capability. This notion persists in the modern world. The chief flaw with the slayer legend in its modern incarnation is that, when it comes to fighting vampires, training and experience are far more important than any inherent ability one might possess.

Method	Advantages	Disadvantages
Rifle/gun (explosive bullets)	Can kill from a distance	Difficult to target vampires in the dark; unreliable against zombies
Rifle/gun (normal bullets)	Can kill from a distance	Highly unreliable against vampires; not advisable against zombies
Incineration	100% effective for both zombies and vampires	Can take a considerable amount of time for them to die
Decapitation	Very effective, although a decapitated zombie head is still capable of biting	Unless one is expert with a sword, the vampire/zombie must be captured and restrained first
Drowning	Can be quite effective...	...if one happens to be on a large body of water
Crossbow	Can kill from a distance	Rather useless versus zombies
Knife	Cutting a vampire's spinal cord at the neck is quick and decisive	Only feasible for a true expert
Explosives	A well-placed bomb is 100% effective	Dangerous to self
Poison Gas	Can kill large packs in one well-timed release	Significant potential for collateral damage; only advisable in desperate circumstances

Conclusion: if it's vampires you want to kill, my advice is to study marksmanship, buy a high-powered rifle with explosive bullets and a good night vision scope, and set yourself up in a protected spot with a 360-degree vantage. And keep a flamethrower and a stash of hand grenades around, just in case. For zombies, the best thing to do is get in your car and drive to a place where there are no zombies. If that's not an option, then strap on a flamethrower, surround your property with explosive devices, and wait.

In 1928, the Goessman Institute in Switzerland conducted the most exhaustive study yet of vampires. As part of the study, a total of 20 vampires were restricted to a diet of vampire blood. The vampires became lethargic and disoriented after only three days. Within 10 days, all 20 vampires were dead.