how much should you change for your friends?

[chanohack]

the question:

how much should you change for the benifit of other people?

the example:

i'm in hawaii right now with two of my co-workers, and we're hanging out together pretty much all day. (good thing we really like each other.) you guys know what a complete music geek i am, especially about the beatles. i don't sit around and talk about music all day, but if i'm in a restaurant somewhere and they're PLAYING all the songs i love, naturally i'm going to speak up about it. so if you and i were eating somewhere, at some point i would probably say "oh my god, my favorite elvis song!" or "this is bob dylan, but i like george harrison's cover better."

the other day my buddies told me that i should stop saying stuff like that. they suggested that i only tell them about the songs i DON'T like, and they'd just assume that i love all the other ones. i told them i'd rather talk about things i like than things i don't like. joe told me that i need to learn not to do that on dates or i'll be single forever. "so all the people that tell me that it's interesting how much i know about the beatles are lying?" they said, no, it is interesting. you can like whatever you want. but don't bring it up. "but you're asking me to change the way i am!" no, you can still be yourself, that's what we like about you. just don't talk about the songs we're listening to.

it's not like i change the subject to music every five minutes. these are just little comments. but apparently i've been annoying the dudes i hang out with.

the next day on the way to work, a beatles song came on the radio, and none of us said a word the whole time, and it was the worst feeling in the world. i had something that made me happy, but i knew my friends did not want to hear about it. that they didn't say anything either made it worse, because it was like they were really driving it home that they really don't care about the things that i like.

(but the worst part was that CCR came on a few songs later, and joe said, "now THIS is a good song!" what the hell.)

so, the question again.

i'd say that most of us here are pretty easygoing, sensible people. i'm sure most of us have said something like, "if i'm doing something that bothers you, just let me know, and i'll stop." nobody wants to be annoying.

on the other hand, it seems very wrong to change your character and keep your mouth shut about the things you love just because your friends don't like it.

but it also seems wrong to have the attitude of, "this is the way i am, and i'm not ever changing!" i think mindsets like that cause a lot of problems in the world.

again on the other hand, if you're really happy about something, you naturally want to tell your friends, and it sucks when they're not happy for you.

so is it better to change a little bit for the people around you? or is it better to be yourself?

[Cyberdude78]

How's about meeting them in the middle? Maybe cut down on remarking at songs you like, but feel free to remark about your absolute favorite songs.

[S.T.A.R.S. Armourer]

What's the deal with not being able to mention a song you like every now and then?

If it's like you say and it's not something you bring up all the time, I dunno what the big deal is at all, or why it bothers them.

If it's something that means a lot to ya, I know how that is. And I do try and keep the reins on it once in a while.

But...

You gotta be who you are. Some people are gonna like it and some people ain't. The key is, no one decides what you are obligated to do or not but yourself.

If you think it's worth it to stifle to keep them happy, then thats the way it should play...If you'd rather act the way you want to act, they can deal with it however they wanna.

I dunno...I really can't advise one way or the other.

I think its not asking too much that a person likes to talk about music!

[RickyStrange]

Well, ask yourself this, have your friends heard you deliver basically the same four raves a hundred and fifty times? If the answer is yes then you may need to alter your style and widen the topic; BUT

I have made people sick of listening to my diatribes on certain topics or actors or songs or what ever on a couple of occassions. One way I dealt with my own discomfort was to have a quiet seixure when ever the topic was brought up. Squeeze you lips, puff your cheeks, bug your eyes holding in you very natural desire to burst forth.

Say not a word. when the topic changes or the song is over allow your self to breath a sigh of relief and state in a prim calm voice that appreciation if owed given how courageously you restrained yourself just for the sake of your valued friendship.

That sounds very silly but pull it off a couple of times and it will change the emotional dynamic of the whole topic for all involved and you won't continue to go quiet and feel awkward when a beatle song comes on but don't evxpect to ever rave again without several rude remarks interupting the stream of your orations.

You can turn a shared discomfort into a shared in joke. Maybe that is the cowards way out but it worked out OK for me.

[SGT.Wincal]

I like you just the way you are Chan!!

[S.T.A.R.S. Armourer]

Sarge is right.

Besides when you really extra wanna say somethin on your mind just say it here. Works for me, I never shut up about my stuff.

And in regards for you being single, tell your chum I said maybe you're just waiting for the right guy, who will understand ya...and not settling for anyone who can swing a dick. Can't keep mum about that stuff 24/7 and the one who is gonna hear it out of you the most is your partner. God bless my girl for her patience.

But they do come along!

[Tron]

I think that you shouldn't have to care, if they're just somebody you don't care about. But since it is your friends/coworkers, and you care about what they think of you or whatever then maybe you shouldn't make minute comments about the best band in the world as much. I know I shouldn't...but frankly, if your friend thinks the Revival is better than Beatles....then I wouldn't care anyway.
Do you really think that if you cut down on talking about things you like, you'd find a good guy? I imagine only negative people like to hear others talking more about things they don't like.

i don't change who I am for other people, friends or not. My friends like me the way I am, not because of what I could be...that's what a girlfriend is for...haha. If you keep talking about Beatles when they play on the radio, what's the worst that can happen? If you consistently drink milk from the carton, like smoking crack, and pick your president before primaries are over, then you might have a problem. But I think that's more under "close-minded" than anything else...


Maybe just amaze your friends with trivia?

[Prophet]

That is the biggest load of crap I've heard in the last hour.

I talk about the stuff I like all the damn time and relate it to everything because it's awesome. My friends will even tell me when something I like is going on or they'll recommend stuff to me that they think I might like for Z day etc
That's what friends do.

Like I'd go "Hey Chan, get your ass over here, beatles are on the radio".

Or, like I did at work yesturday, I'd talk to you about the Paul McCartney gig that was in Liverpool a couple of days ago. I didn't go but I asked those I know who went all about it because I know they'd wonna chat about it.

I think the whole "this is the way i am, and i'm not ever changing!" thing being a bad thing applies too people who like to do stupid or unecessary things like punch people in the face on wednesdays.

I say it doesn't apply to your taste in music. Yesturday my manager spent all fucking day talking about Sex in the City movie, I hate that show but I didn't care, I told her I'm not her fan but listened to what she said anyway and asked her if she had a good night at the movies.

What a load of shit, your co-workers piss me off. You can tell em that.

[chanohack]

thanks for the encouragement everybody... i was trying to make this kind of an open topic, and not all about me, but it does make me feel better to get some outside perspective.

i try to think of it from another point of view, and i don't get it. i'd probably do the same thing as you prophet, and say, "look over there joe, a firetruck!" (he likes way more boring stuff than i do, i don't know what the problem is.) and my little brother is ALWAYS talking about skateboarding, he's obsessed. but it doesn't annoy me... i find it endearing. same with my friend jen, rabid david bowie fan.

maybe this will help broaden the topic... most of us are here because we are at least mildly fascinated with undead creatures of some kind, but obviously "normal" people don't want to talk about theories or whatever, and that's why we need a forum. so i imagine that all of us kind of limit our conversations somehow to not be always talking about zombies and vampires...

or do we? where's the line? (wasn't that dramatic?)

Maybe just amaze your friends with trivia?

i know! i try.... it's not like i alway say, "OMG, the beatles, i love them, ringo played the drums." i know a lot of shit about them! i think it's interesting to know that george harrison wrote a song about eric clapton's teeth, or that paul mccartney wrote a song about his dog. i love that about him. le sigh.

[Tron]

I like being able to tell who sang what...especially Ringo.

and one time I tried talking about zombies in math class, and everyone got all scared and treated me like a freak....so yeah, forums are handy.

[RickyStrange]

They got wigged out in math class? That's silly. Zombies are perfect for demonstrating geometric progessions. next time use baby seals to describe inverted progress.

[dangovich]

I say feck 'em.

It's one thing if you were routinely kicking stray dogs in the ribs or cussing at cops, but commenting on songs?

Your friends are out of line to ask you that.

[scissorhands]

Maybe just amaze your friends with trivia?

i know! i try.... it's not like i alway say, "OMG, the beatles, i love them, ringo played the drums." i know a lot of shit about them! i think it's interesting to know that george harrison wrote a song about eric clapton's teeth, or that paul mccartney wrote a song about his dog. i love that about him. le sigh.

Here's the problem with this, if you do it a lot. You seem like a know-it-all and that can be frustrating. I'm not saying you're a know it all, I'm just saying it COULD come across like that.

I think why your friends are being like this, plain and simple, is because they're quite possibly jealous that you know so much about certain things that they don't at all.

friends are weird, aren't they?

[chanohack]

hmm... i hadn't thought about it that way. know-it-alls ARE pretty obnoxious.

[Tron]

Did you know that black isn't a colour, it's a shade?!