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Incident Report

Agent/Witness: A. R. Warden

Base: Union City, CA

Date/Time: Friday, April 14, 2005, 2253 hours

Incident: I was out for my evening constitutional last night. I started out around 9:40 and took a road winding through suburban neighborhoods, and out into a wilder section of land leading on to a small public swimming facility. It was at this fairly isolated lake where I would have my altercation.

Between the parking lot and beach there were picnic tables, and I stopped and sat at one of the benches and filled my Uncle Paul briar with a lovely pipeworks and wilke blend, which I was wholly determined to enjoy, when I found, in an instant, a man crouching on the selfsame picnicking table where I was seated. My estimation is that he must have leapt there quite suddenly and noiselessly as I was intently packing my pipe. My first observation of this man was that his clothes were decidedly decayed, a black pleated turtleneck, unraveling and matted. My second observation was his overpowering odor, redolent of dead animal flesh. His miasma was quite overpowering, and since I already had my pipe alight, I charged it in retaliation to the stink.

I set myself at ease, and sat still prepared for any violent movement, and became aware of two female vampires approaching my bench. One was attired in a dirty navy colored dress, and the other in a fouled macintosh jacket and a green hooded sweater. The male vampire, assuming I was distracted by the two ladies, lunged for me. I was armed only with a stout walking stick purchased at my local tobacconist, and I set it to use in shattering the male vampire's knuckles with a swift strike. As he yowled and scrambled in the dirt towards me, the two ladies lunged; one I smashed in the nose with my walking stick, and the other I swept off her feet, and broke her ankle in the doing. The male was able to clasp his jaws about my wrist, and in retaliation I blew, from my still lit pipe, a sizable portion of hot ash and dottle into his eyes, which I followed with a thumb gouge for good measure.

With the male blinded, and the two females immobilized, I hastily made my exit, and took the same path back to my home, where I promptly made a venture to the hospital for treatment of the wound on my wrist. I found however that they did not have in their possession any vampire innoculant. Luckily my local apothecary was able to supply this for me.

Comments from Dr. Pecos: I say old chap, jolly good report! It takes an able gent to fight off three vampires whilst armed with nothing more than a pipe. For those who don't know, the Uncle Paul briar refers to a pipe shape named after Paul Kruger, President of the ZAR (Zuid-Afrikaansche Republiek) during the late 1800s. It is defined as a bent pipe that has the end of the stem roughly in line with the top of the bowl. The briar part is a corruption of the French word for heath tree, a low shrub found mainly around the Mediterranean. The true briar is only made out of the very hard, dry root of the mature shrub which may be anything up to 250 years old.

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