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Incident Report

Agent/Witness: Ember

Base: Ingersoll, Ontario, Canada

Date/Time: 4/10/04/1926 hours

Incident: I received a call from my friend and fellow IVZX (Ingersoll Vampire & Zombie Xtermination) member Eilas stating that he had a witness who'd seen strange activity in the graveyard not two blocks from my house in the north end of town. Our witness reported seeing what appeared to be two old men dragging a woman toward the Priest's burial crypt. Whether it was vampire activity or a clever hoax to scare the neighbors, we were going to check it out.

8:11 p.m. Eilas arrived at my house carrying his preferred weapon, a two-foot scimitar that was sharpened to a deadly degree. I prepared by snapping both my spiked bands onto my arms. The bands went from wrist to elbow with inch long sharp spikes: they won't do much to a zombie, but if a vampire ever bites me he will have a few holes left in him afterwards. Once we completed an equipment check, we quickly went to my shed, where I grabbed a pitchfork and a roll of duct tape. We then proceeded to the graveyard.

8:25 p.m. The only entrance to the graveyard is on the southwest end. As we walked in we noticed nothing out of the ordinary. However, as we approached the crypt, we heard what sounded like stone dragging on stone. Eilas readied his scimitar and I held the pitchfork like a spear as we approached. We heard voices; the following is what I recall of the conversation.

Voice 1: So where are we hitting tonight?

Voice 2: Let's try the bar on King Street. We should be able to get some good game there.

Voice 1: Sounds good. I'm pumped to snack on another beautiful young girl.

(At this point footsteps are heard coming out of the crypt)

Voice 3: What the hell are you two idiots still doing here?! The mistress is hungry. Get going!

Voices 1 & 2: Yes Sir!

It would seem to me from this that there is a definite pecking order among these vampires, all working under an Alpha Female. We laid low until we heard the crypt door shut, and then we decided it was time to move. We charged at the two vampires and as they turned around I met the first one in the chest with the pitchfork and pinned it to the ground, as Eilas with one quick swipe of his scimitar beheaded the second. The first one was struggling to get up, but a swift kick to its face weakened its desire to fight back. I took out the roll of duct tape and wrapped the suckhead up from his feet to his waist. We then removed the pitchfork from his chest and I quickly wrapped his upper body in duct tape, neutralizing his arms. Finally, we wrapped a strip of tape around his mouth.

We carried him back to my place and in my basement we removed the facial tape. The vampire, now fully conscious, was extremely frightened and worried. I began a dialogue with it.

Ember: So how are you feeling now?

Suckhead: The tape is kind of tight. You wouldn't happen to mind loosening it a bit would you?

Ember: I don't think so. I wanna know a few things first. IF you cooperate I'll consider releasing you. If not I'm leaving you in this tape and throwing you into the morning sun. Got it?

The suckhead obviously valued life, so he agreed. We soon learned that there were three more vampires in his group at the crypt: two males and the Alpha Female, which he called "Doris."

1:31 a.m. After we had gotten what info we needed, we retaped the vampire's mouth shut and tied him down in the workshop to make sure he couldn't move. We then filled a couple of wine bottles with a 50-50 mix of gas and oil, stuffed gas-soaked rags in the necks and went back to the crypt. We did the secret knock that the suckhead in my basement told me about, and the door opened as the other hunter said "well, what did you bring me?" I threw myself to the ground and acted like I was in pain to feign capture. The vamp stepped out, only to be met by Eilas' scimitar. His head fell to the ground.

As we entered the crypt we lit two of the molotov cocktails and whipped them inside what was described to us as the "Main Chamber," which stunk of Death and Decay. We heard screams and saw a male figure trying to assist what appeared to be a bald old lady out of the room. I lit the third cocktail and threw it right at the male. We backed out of the crypt as the two screamed and writhed in the burning tomb. We threw the beheaded body of the third hunter and the one that was killed earlier in as well and slammed the door shut.

6:51 a.m. The sun was beginning to rise and after a celebratory drink Eilas and I dragged our duct-taped friend upstairs and threw him into the morning sun, where he writhed in pain for awhile until we got bored and killed him. The body is in a freezer downstairs and we plan to dispose of it tomorrow night. During the night I received two e-mails about more vampire activity in the town.

Will write a follow-up as soon as more information becomes available.

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