Fame and Fortune

You manage to find your way to a nearby five-story parking structure, where you take the elevator up to the top and go out onto the roof. In desperation, you wave your arms at several helicopters flying overhead.

Meanwhile, below, the zombies have followed your scent to the garage. A few paw at the elevator, while others shuffle up the stairs.

"Over here!"
In the sky above, a news helicopter appears to have spotted you. It makes a beeline for the garage and hovers overhead. You can see a pilot and a cameraman up there. However, the cameraman appears more interested in taping your plight than in saving you.

"C'mon!" you shout. "Get down here!"

At that moment, several zombies shamble out of the stairs and onto the roof. The sight of you excites groans from them and they rush your way, practically licking their lips in anticipation. Fortunately, you still have the Mossberg. You put the first six zombies away with head shots. A quick reload, six more shots, and six more kills. That's 14 zombie kills today: you're getting the hang of this. But there's no time to rest on your laurels. More zombies are flooding out onto the roof.

Damn, where are they all coming from?

You look up, and the helicopter is still hovering. You jump, wave your arms, yell, and the doofus just keeps taping you. What's wrong with these people? Little do you know, the video of your battle with the zombies is going out to television sets all over the world.

Several more zombies are closing on you, and now you're out of ammo. You hold the shotgun by the barrel and start swinging for the fences like Barry Bonds. Squish! Crack! It reminds you of a time when, as a kid, you snuck into the local farm stand after hours and played baseball with some watermelons. The zombies fall, one after another, and twitch spastically on the ground.

Finally, the copter lowers itself toward the roof and you grab ahold of one of the skids. The copter starts lifting off and the cameraman pulls you up.


But no. A zombie whose face you bashed in somehow gets to its feet and grabs your legs. You kick and writhe, trying to maintain your hold on the copter while the zombie tugs at your legs. The tension is excruciating. Finally, with a Herculean effort, you wriggle yourself free of the zombie's grip, losing your pants in the process. The helicopter lifts you away from danger. In living rooms throughout America, people cheer. You are vaccinated just in time, and make a full recovery.

Your 15 minutes of fame have arrived. You show off your scar on Larry King. Oprah gets you to tear up when discussing the fate of your zombified girlfriend Marla. A book deal follows. You sell the movie rights for a fortune, and even make a cameo in the eventual cinematic blockbuster, Plague, directed by Michael Bay. And when an outbreak hits Miami in 2013, you are there on the scene as CNN's resident zombie expert.